Revenge for Hire 8: Rosario Rumble
by Solarchos
Summary: The girls from Rosario Vampire have a big problem on their hands, beyond their ability to handle. Sometimes crap happens, someone's gotta deal with it, and who ya gonna call? Hint: they DON'T call Ghostbusters.
1. Chapter 1

T&M Productions shamelessly presents

Revenge for Hire

Rosario Rumble

Tsukune browtwitched nervously and tried to keep his cool, but he knew he was doing a poor job if it. The girl standing directly in front of him on the path leading back inside the school knew it, too. Her leering grin and the expectant gleam in her eyes made it perfectly clear to him that she was aware of his discomfort.

In fact, it seemed to turn her on even more.

It had all started out as another normal day at Youkai Academy. Or, in Tsukune's case it was normal if you overlooked the fact that he was the only normal human in a private school filled with monsters. It certainly didn't help one bit that some of those monsters were insanely cute.

In some ways it was even worse that a few of the aforementioned insanely cute monstrous girls also had equally insane crushes on him.

What truly sucked was that the girl currently blocking his path wasn't one of the girls he was friends with.

She wasn't Kurumu the succubus. She was energetic, feisty, voluptuous, and quite vocal and direct in regards to her feelings for him (and what she wanted to do with him, especially since she'd declared him to be her "mate of fate" the day after he'd first met her).

She wasn't Mizore the snow-woman. She was quiet, cool, collected, shy, very cute, had amazingly well-proportioned breasts (and she'd happily shown them to Tsukune one time in an attempt to seduce him), and she loved to stalk him, frequently popping up in the most unexpected of places just to be in his presence.

She definitely wasn't Moka the vampire. With her rosario on she was a normal-seeming and amazingly attractive girl. She was smart, kind, personable, friendly, vivacious and impossible to ignore (although she did have the somewhat-annoying habit of sucking on his blood). With the rosario off however, she was a fierce, proud, outrageously strong and heart-stoppingly cute silver-haired vampire. Tsukune wished that it could have been Moka interposing herself between him and the doorway, but he wasn't that lucky.

She wasn't Yukari Sendo, the eleven-year old witch and child prodigy who'd skipped several grades. Yukari was a bit of a brat at times and had an unbelievably powerful crush (try lecherous fixation) on both him and Moka (she's too young to be having fantasies about threesomes!), but she was also quite cute and dependable.

Finally, she damn well wasn't Ruby, the other witch he knew. Ruby tended to be a little quiet around him, but she was friendly, reliable, helpful, smart, a bit enigmatic, but also very attractive. Tsukune had a feeling she also nursed quite a crush on him, but she kept it to herself (probably because Yukari, Kumuru, and Mizore would all join forces to kick her ass if they found out).

Tsukune took a step back as the girl in front of him took another step towards him. He knew exactly who she was, and she was one of the LAST girls he'd ever expected to deal with.

Keito the spider-woman.

She wasn't entirely unattractive, though: medium height, decent figure, with long black hair and dark eyes. Unfortunately, Keito freaked the HELL out of him. She was a member of Youkai Academy's Protection Committee, which was supposed to act as an in-school police force but had long since corrupted into something more like schoolyard Yakuza. Keito loved to throw her weight around, happy to bully anyone who got in her way, and she could do so with impunity thanks to her position. A while back, when Tsukune and his friends had run afoul of the Protection Committee, Keito had almost killed both him and Kurumu (and would have succeeded if Moka hadn't gotten there in time to beat her senseless).

Now she was standing directly in front of Tsukune, leering at him with those creepy eyes and smile.

He took a step to the left to let her by. She merely took a step to her right to remain in front of him.

Her creepy smile remained the same.

"Hello Tsukune," she said. "How are you?"

"Uhhhh," stammered Tsukune. "J-just fine! Just trying to stay out of trouble and all!"

"Really?" replied Keito, still smiling. "That's good to hear. Although from what I've heard you've got a habit of landing yourself in trouble, but you seem to be able to handle yourself pretty well. Who would have thought it?"

"Uh, what?" asked Tsukune. He had no idea what Keito was getting at, but it also seemed like she was trying to strike up a normal conversation with him.

"I mean," she continued. "You seem like a human in every way, and yet you've managed to fight your way out of more than one bad situation. You're obviously not a weak little human, and you can obviously take care of yourself pretty well." She leaned in a little closer, still smiling. "I like that."

"What?!" he cried, suddenly feeling a lot like a fly caught in the web of a spider (which, in Keito's case was quite possibly literal).

"Don't you ever get tired of hanging out with those losers?" asked Keito. "I mean, you've always got those four dumbasses shadowing you. You know – the ditz, the jailbait, the slut, and the crack-whore." From some nearby bushes came the sounds of a lot of rustling and several loud thuds. Tsukune and Keito both quickly glanced over in that direction but didn't see anyone else nearby.

"They're not so bad once you get to know them," said Tsukune, sweating a little. Keito giggled, but something about her giggles just made Tsukune feel more anxious and uneasy.

"You know," she began. "I'm not so bad once you get to know me, too." Tsukune blanched, preventing himself from freaking out and running away screaming only through the application of superhuman willpower. "We've butted heads a few times, but I'd love to get the opportunity to put that behind us and show you that I'm not the awful, horrid bitch people think I am. You don't think I'm just an awful, horrible bitch, do you?"

"No! No! Not at all!" cried Tsukune as he desperately tried to find the nearest escape route. Unfortunately, there were none: Keito could spit webbing from her mouth and entangle his legs if he tried to run, and he had no idea just how fast she could run in the first place. As he pondered the wisdom of either jumping off the nearest cliff or attempting to hide in the nearest graveyard or perhaps even hurling himself though the nearest window, Keito took yet another towards him.

Tsukune very nearly screamed in terror as he felt her lay a hand on his chest.

"Well," she explained. "I CAN be an awful, horrid bitch, but not all the time. There are people I can be nice to, and I think I'd like to be nice to you, too. So keep that in mind and think about it for a while. If you're up for it maybe I can show you exactly what I mean one of these days. Just keep in mind that I like to play it wild sometimes." Keito gave Tsukune a sly wink, tapped her finger on his chin, and walked past him, heading off towards the main courtyard...and leaving Tsukune feeling as if he'd just barely managed to escape with his life.

The bushes started to rustle again as the people crouching behind it continued to jostle and silently fight as they observed the whole exchange.

"Oh no she didn't!!!" hissed Kurumu as she shivered with barely restrained rage. "She did NOT just come onto Tsukune!! Not after all the crap she's put him through in the past!"

"Get away from my man you WHORE!!!" snarled Mizore as ice began to coalesce and encase her hands, transforming them into long icy claws.

"Tsukune's in danger!" cried Yukari. "Let's kill her!" Mizore nodded, created a long spear-like icicle in her hands, and started to stand up.

"I can do that," she stated as she took a step forward, her eyes glowing with an eerie fire born from pure rage and hate. Ginei quickly tackled her and yanked her back down behind the bushes before anyone (especially Tsukune) could see her.

"No! Are you insane?!" hissed Ginei. "You do NOT want to screw around with Keito! She's still a member of the Protection Committee! We can't openly attack her unless we want to start another war with Kuro and the rest of his goons!"

"Who cares," replied Mizore, coolly. "She's been stalking him for days and now she's trying to put the moves on my man. I won't let her get away with such crimes against Tsukune."

"Stalking?" retorted Kurumu, browtwitching. "You're one to talk about that since you've been stalking MY mate of fate since day one!"

"Look who's talking about blatant sexual harassment, titty-monster," countered Mizore, giving Kurumu's amble breasts a quick poke. "You shove those into his face at every opportunity. Or more like you shove his face into those every chance you get. It's obvious that Tsukune's looking for a wife of much higher quality than some floozy bimbo with gigantic boobs and not much else." Kurumu growled angrily, Mizore glared back at her, and the two of them took a step back from one another as they prepared to throw down once more.

Yukari immediately rushed in between them.

"No! Stop!" she called out, holding her hands out towards their chests. "We can't fall victim to her cheap manipulations like that! This is what she wants! To make us fight amongst ourselves when the REAL enemy is standing right there!" She pointed across the courtyard to where Keito standing beneath a tree, watching Tsukune as he slowly calmed down and regained his composure.

"You're right!" replied Kurumu. "She's a sly one. Just look at her, mocking us all while she plots to take Tsukune all for herself! I will never forgive her!"

"We have to strike now," snarled Yukari. "Before she can advance her evil schemes to rape Tsukune!" In Yukari's mind lurid, vivid images of Keito tackling Tsukune, tying him up with webbing, and then tearing his clothes off and mounting him for her own sick pleasure began to form. "We can't allow this to happen!"

"I say we go with Yukari's plan and murder her," said Mizore.

"You three have completely lost your minds!" cried Ginei as he turned around and started walking away. "You wanna start a whole new battle with the Protection Committee, that's your choice. But keep me out of it. This is insane. This is madness!"

"Madness?" snarled Yukari. "THIS! IS! YOUKAI!!"

A loud *clang* rang out as a large metal washbasin suddenly fell out of the sky and landed squarely on Ginei's head, knocking him out cold. As he lay on the ground, his arms and legs twitching, Yukari put her wand away and smiled triumphantly.

"Direct hit," commented Mizore. "Nice."

"All right!" ordered Kumuru. "We need to get Moka and Ruby together and form a war council. Let's find them and then show that spider-bitch she'd better think twice before she tries to muscle in on Tsukune!"

Moka and Ruby both sweatdropped as they listened to Yukari describe the whole incident. A few hours had passed since Tsukune had had his run-in with Keito and all five girls were now meeting together in the classroom. All of the other students had since left, leaving the room empty for the Newspaper Club to use. Fortunately Ginei had agreed to take Tsukune out of the room on an errand, leaving the girls alone to hatch their grand scheme.

"Spider-slut! Spider-slut!" sang Kumuru as she drew a none-too-flattering picture of Keito in her spider-hybrid form on the chalkboard. "Does whatever a spider-slut does...!"

"...and that's exactly what happened," explained Yukari as she finally finished telling the tale. "We have to do something before that psycho-bimbo forces poor Tsukune to succumb to her evil charms and rapes him!"

"I'm still trying to understand the whole "300" scene you performed on Ginei earlier..." commented Ruby. "That totally came out of nowhere."

"Uh, surely you're exaggerating," replied Moka, laughing a little uneasily as she saw the grim looks of determination on Kumuru's and Mizore's faces (although whenever Tsukune was involved, rationality and logic tended to go out the window for them). "Are you sure Keito's actually planning to do that? I mean, maybe she's just trying to be nice to him for a change."

"Forget it, Moka," snapped Kumuru. "I'm a succubus remember? Believe me when I say that we can sense such things. She's definitely planning to seduce poor Tsukune. We have to stop her before it's too late!"

"She'll lure him into her web and entrap him for all time," added Mizore.

"First she mates then she kills!" cried Yukari. "Tsukune is next on the menu!"

"I don't really know Keito," said Ruby. "But I think you three are overreacting just a little bit here..." Mizore quickly walked over and handed Ruby the notebook she frequently wrote in.

"I was following her for a while today," she explained. "I overheard her talking to a few of her Enforcer buddies when she thought no one was around. This is what she was saying about what she'd like to do to Tsukune." Mizore flipped through the pages and found one in particular, then she handed the whole notebook to Ruby.

Ruby started reading.

A few seconds later she yanked the page in question out of the notebook, violently ripped it to tiny pieces, and began jumping up and down on the remains after she hurled them to the floor.

"OH MY GODDESS!!" she screamed. "That WHORE!!! No way in hell am I going to let her try to do that to Tsukune!!" Mizore, Kurumu, and Yukari all nodded calmly.

"What the heck...?!" demanded Moka.

"Don't ask, Moka," replied Ruby as she tried to calm down. "It's nothing your virgin ears would ever want to hear about."

"We've got to figure out what to do," said Kurumu. "Ideas anyone?"

"I've got one," began Mizore. "Kill her. We kidnap her and wrap her up in duct tape. Then I freeze her solid. After that we break her into tiny pieces with mallets, divvy up the remains in garbage bags, then Kurumu and Ruby will take the bags, fly out over the ocean, and empty them into water. End of spider-slut and end of the threat to Tsukune."

Everyone stared at Mizore silently for several moments.

"Have you lost your mind??!!" cried Moka. "No! Absolutely not!"

"You're right, Moka," said Kurumu.

"Thank you!" added Moka.

"You forgot to factor in the possibility of witnesses and the time required to do all of that," explained Kumuru. "We'd have to have a secure location and all of the materials together before we did it. And there's the matter of Keito's creepy clique that's always following her around. We'd have to eliminate them, too, and we can't afford to take too much time with the preparations. Tsukune's life is at stake and time's against us!" Moka stared at Kumuru as if she'd just spontaneously combusted.

"That's not what I meant!" she cried.

"How about we get "Inner Moka" to do it?" asked Yukari. "I mean, she's a full vampire. She's mean and nasty and cruel. She'd probably love to do it."

"Yeah!" exclaimed Kumuru. "Get that rosario off!" She lunged at Moka, trying to pull off the rosario that kept her vampiric powers contained.

"Yeah!" shouted Yukari. "Strip her nekkid!"

"Off! Off! Off! OFF!!!" shouted Moka as she started smacking Kumuru repeatedly across the head. "My other personality would never agree to this! You're all overreacting!"

"Don't be so sure," said Ruby. "Let's face it Moka. Your "inner self" can be a total bitch."

"Keito has to be made to know her place!" cried Yukari. "Who better to pound that into her head than "Inner Moka"?"

"Look at it this way," began Mizore as she put a new sucker in her mouth. "If Keito takes Tsukune all for herself not only will you NOT be able to get that rosario pulled off when you need it, but you'll NEVER be able to suck Tsukune's blood. He'll be her slave and we'll never see him again." For a few seconds Moka was completely quiet.

"...LET'S KILL THAT BOYFRIEND-STEALING SLUT!!!" she suddenly screamed. "Tsukune's blood...I mean honor is at stake!!!"

"That's the spirit, Moka!" cried Kumuru, giving her a big thumbs-up. Mizore clapped calmly.

"Contact Hell Correspondence!" suggested Moka. "You know, that website where Hell Girl..."

"Can't," replied Mizore. "It's been hacked. I've been trying to get there but I keep getting rerouted to Net Idol Chiu's webpage every single time."

"Oh, I hate that attention-whoring net-queen," grumbled Kumuru. "She's almost as much of a camera-hog as Usagi Kou. Damn that Chisame Hasegawa."

"Use the Death Note?" suggested Ruby. Mizore whipped out another of her notebooks. It had a completely black cover with silver letters printed on the front: "DEATH NOTE".

"It doesn't work!" she snapped, showing an uncharacteristic amount of emotion for herself. "I must have written Keito's name in it a hundred times and it just doesn't work!!" Ruby and Moka both glanced at it.

"Hey! Why's my name in there?!" called out Moka.

"That's NOT the real Death Note, you dumbass!" cried Ruby. "That's just an ordinary notebook you bought in the dealer's room at Otakon!!" Mizore blinked a few times.

"Son of a bitch!" she grumbled. "I should have known it was too good to be true."

"Explosives?" offered Yukari.

"Can't," remarked Ruby. "The Chemistry Club keeps accurate records of their chemical supplies. Besides, none of us know how to create explosives like that."

"Hire ACROSS?" offered Mizore.

"You are nuts?!" demanded Kumuru, thwapping Mizore upside her head with the palm of her hand. "Do we really want that psychotic loon Excel wandering around Youkai Academy?! She'd destroy the whole school!"

"Not to mention the Headmaster would kick all of our asses for bringing her here!" added Ruby. "Seriously! We'd be serving Detention for the next thirty years!"

"Wait, I've got an idea," said Yukari. "What have you heard about something called the Dark and Dead Revenge for Hire...?"

*******

Sighing loudly and tiredly, Iron Mouse left her cramped little room and walked out into the main den of the R4H "headquarters". It wasn't even 2AM and all the noise had woken her up.

Eudial and Beruche were arguing over what they had or hadn't forgotten to pack anything and Mistress Nine was yelling out the window to Nephrite and JunJun who were stuffing things into Eudial's car. VesVes was in the kitchenette devouring a bunch of cookies and Fiore and Rubius were both stoned and watching Teletubbies.

"Hey!" shouted Iron Mouse. "Do you mind?! People are trying to sleep!" Eudial glanced at her, a bit irritated, then laughed as she saw what Iron Mouse looked like: her hair wasn't done up in her usual trademark style and all she was wearing was some thick socks and a long, black shirt upon which was printed in red "I see dumb people". In other words, Iron Mouse looked like a roughed-up rat. Taking her seriously just wasn't going to happen.

Esmeraude suddenly came out. All she had on was a long mottled grey shirt on which was printed "Oh lord, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off."

"Why the hell don't you stop shouting?!" she demanded. "You're not helping!"

"Oh yeah!? Well why don't you stay the hell outta this?!" replied Iron Mouse.

"Oh yeah?! Well how would you like me to kick your ass!?" yelled back Esmeraude. Everyone else in the room had fallen silent and was watching the ensuing spectacle with great interest.

"All right! You asked for it," growled Iron Mouse as she leapt up onto the table. "Can you smell-l-l-l-l-l what the Mouse…has cooking…for you! Chuuuuuuu!!" She leapt at Esmeraude who, unfortunately, stepped aside at the last moment. Iron Mouse belly-flopped onto the floor. As she rose groggily to her knees, stunned and still half-asleep (Iron Mouse was one of those types who takes about an hour or so to fully wake up), Esmeraude quickly reached down and pulled up Mouse's shirt over her head, completely blinding her. Rubius perked up immediately: Iron Mouse was wearing frilly lace panties and no bra. He really got turned on as Esmeraude proceeded to spank the struggling girl.

_Get Lead Crow in there and we'd REALLY have something "interesting" to watch_, he thought, grinning like an idiot.

"Okay, Esmeraude," announce Eudial a minute later. "The fight's over. You won. Now let her go." Smiling happily, Esmeraude released Iron Mouse who, red-faced with anger and embarrassment, pulled her shirt back down. Rubius looked disappointed; Fiore just looked relieved.

"Thank goodness THAT'S over with," remarked Fiore.

"Oh yeah, that's right," said Esmeraude as she got up. "You only like Mamo-dork." Fiore nodded happily.

"Yup. He and I used to PLAY together when he was little."

"Ewwwwwww…!!" cried everyone in the room. Iron Mouse facefaulted, VesVes made a dash for the bathroom so she could get ill in privacy, and Esmeraude shuddered like Jell-O in an earthquake.

"Ugh!!" she cried. "I just KNOW I'm going to have nightmares about that. I'm going back to sleep so I can get them over with." Esmeraude went back to her room while Iron Mouse went to the refrigerator.

"What-ever," she grumbled as she rummaged through it while everyone else went back to what they were doing. "Anyway, what the hell's going on? You planning a trip?"

"Better," said Eudial. "We've got a job, and this one's an up-front rush job."

"It's not even two in the morning!" cried Iron Mouse. "Couldn't this wait until we actually open?!"

"Well we COULD!" retorted Mistress Nine. "If we just wanted to get the STANDARD rate. But these people are paying five times our regular rate for an immediate rush job." She paused as she noticed something going on outside. She quickly leaned back out the window. "No, Nephrite! You CAN'T bring along your inflatable Sailor Pluto blow-up doll! Get it out of the trunk, you pervert!"

"Dude!' replied Iron Mouse. "What's so important that they're paying out their ass for a rush job?"

"We're going to someplace called Youkai Academy," explained Eudial. "Some kind of private boarding school. The target is one of the students: some girl named Keito who's a real ball-busting, asshole troublemaker who's a member of a gang at the school. We need to get there before classes start and get set up for a vengeance hit against her that has to be completed today. They were really insistent about it."

"Jeez, they sure aren't asking much," commented Iron Mouse as she munched on a bit of cheesecake. "But then again we've blown places up before and been home in time for pancakes. So where the hell is this school?"

"Outside of Tokyo," continued Eudial. "But here's the weird thing. The school's not on any map and I couldn't find anything about it on the Internet, but according to the directions I got we can get there by going through this one certain tunnel. It's only fifty miles away though."

"Fifty miles?" exclaimed Iron Mouse. "Uh, you DO realize that it's 2 AM and that it's gonna be sunrise in just a few hours right? That's not going to leave you a whole lot of time to get everything done. Especially once the traffic on the roads start." Eudial gave her a bored look.

"So?" she replied, "I'm the one who's going to be driving."

"Oh," said Iron Mouse as she poured herself a glass of milk. "Nevermind then. Oh, that reminds me, I saw a few of the girls from Lucky Star hanging around your car earlier last night after you'd gone to bed."

"Dammit!" snapped Eudial. "Not the GTA Lucky Star club again! What happened?" Iron Mouse shrugged.

"I started shooting at them with paintballs," she explained. "I emptied about two magazines into them and they ran away. I think I managed to nail Tsukasa in the ass real good 'cause she was limping like you wouldn't believe." Mistress Nine suddenly made a loud gasp of horror.

"Hey, Mistress!" called out Nephrite from the street. "What's this life-size Tuxedo Kamen blow-up doll doing in YOUR bag?!"

"Uh, uh, that's not mine!" she stammered, her face becoming bright red. "I didn't put that there!"

"No! There must be a mistake! This ain't my bag, baby!" called out JunJun in a fake British accent.

"Yeah, sure Missy!" yelled Nephrite. "I've been wondering what those weird noises coming out of your room were!" He and JunJun started laughing their asses off as Mistress Nine's expression confirmed that her dirty little secret was out.

"Hey!" shouted Beruche. "Quit playing around and let's get going. I've got an appointment for a pedicure tomorrow afternoon."

"We could've been gone ten minutes ago if you hadn't wasted so much time getting your makeup and clothes together," complained Eudial.

"I've got an image to maintain!" objected Beruche.

"What image? We've all been wearing the same style of clothes for the last three years! Besides, what do you actually NEED $2000 dollars worth of makeup for anyway?" Eudial sighed. "Let's just go before we lose any more time. We'll probably be back the day after tomorrow or sooner if things really go well. Demando's in charge while we're gone and I'll be calling periodically to make sure the rest of you are behaving." Iron Mouse, Rubius, and Fiore waved bye. Dragging the still-stunned Mistress Nine behind them, Eudial and Beruche made their way to the car. JunJun and Nephrite were there waiting, and having entirely too much fun in the meantime.

Mistress Nine nearly fainted as she watched her precious blow-up doll sail through the air like a hentai Macy's Day balloon. Nephrite and JunJun had inflated it using a helium tank. Eudial shook her head in disbelief.

"Can't you people act with any bit of maturity?" she asked. Meanwhile, Mistress Nine grabbed Nephrite's Sailor Pluto doll, pulled out her .38 revolver, and started pumping bullets through it.

"Uh, couldn't you have just torched it with a lightning bolt or something?" asked Beruche.

"Yeah," said Mistress Nine as she reloaded and put her gun away. "But that was much more satisfying."

"Hmph," remarked Nephrite. "Totally unoriginal. At least what I did had style."

"Bite me," retorted Mistress Nine as she got in. Piling into the car, they were soon tearing through the streets of Tokyo at breakneck speeds, running every red light, and nearly causing a bus to flip over as Eudial sideswiped it. Soon they were on the highway and Eudial REALLY floored it, pushing her car's engine to the max and pushing her passengers into their seats. Throughout the whole trip no one said a word. Eudial was too busy having fun and playing the Lucky Star J-pop album at full blast, which gave the whole car trip a weird surreal feeling to say the very least.

Everyone else was too busy praying to whatever gods would listen that they'd survive the trip.

End of Part One.


	2. Chapter 2

T&M Productions shamelessly presents...

Revenge for Hire Rosario Rumble, Part 2

"Pull to the side," called out Nephrite as the car kept on accelerating. "The side. The side! THE SIDE!!!"

"No way!" shouted Eudial as she kept the gas petal pressed firmly to the floor. JunJun, Beruche, and Mistress Nine were all screaming in terror as they helplessly watched everything that was going on.

The car trip to the appointed location had been swift, especially since Eudial had broken every traffic law and safety regulation along the way. Stop signs had been ignored and red lights had been run through at high speed like something straight out of "The Fast and the Furious" (or "The Fast and the Ignoramus" in Eudial's case). Finally, they'd reached the tunnel through which they had to travel in order to reach Yokai Academy. Driving into it at over seventy-five miles per hour, they soon reached the other end of it.

Unfortunately, they weren't expecting the school bus coming from the far side. Nor did they anticipate the bus driver being as equally maniacal as Eudial herself.

She growled as the bus continued to close the distance, moving right into the center of the road and actually picking up speed.

"You bastard!" howled Eudial. "Get back into your lane!"

"Eudial, do you know what this is called?!" screamed Beruche. "This is called chicken! But you're not supposed to play chicken with a BUS!"

"Ahhhhh, we're all gonna die!" howled JunJun. Eudial's insane cackling as the bus finally swerved to the side at the last moment soon drowned her wails out.

"Got it!" she screamed. The car shuddered and rocked as it came within inches of actually scraping against its side.

Suddenly, the tunnel ended and they were in the open countryside beyond.

"I am the greatest!!!" shrieked Eudial.

"For the love of Belldandy watch where you're driving!!" howled Mistress Nine. "We're doing almost a hundred miles an hour!!" A huge bang suddenly rang out as the car ran into something large, sending the object tumbling through the air while Eudial's car went screeching out of control. Twisting the steering wheel left and right, Eudial fought to regain control as she ran over a scarecrow bearing a sign saying "Yokai Academy", skidded through a graveyard, and ultimately ground to a halt as the engine sputtered and died.

Eudial got out and walked around to the front of her car. The ram bars on the bumper had buckled slightly and the whole front of her car was speckled with blood.

"Damn!" she hissed. "I just got the bumper fixed, too."

"What the hell do you expect?!" exclaimed Beruche as she unsteadily got out. "That was a f&$%ing COW you ran over back there!! Cripes, you didn't even slow down!! Holy shit! I haven't seen a mess like that since Rubius and Tellu microwaved that live Pokemon!"

"I can't believe you outran a bullet train," added Nephrite as he surveyed the mess on the front. "Don't those things go at, like, two hundred miles per hour or something?" Mistress Nine didn't have anything to say; she was too busy kissing the ground.

"God, where the hell are we?" demanded JunJun. "What the heck is this place?" Looking around, they saw that they'd entered a particularly unusual location. In the distance, set close to a rocky cliff overlooking the ocean and surrounded by dense woods, was a collection of large buildings that gave the impression of some kind of private school. However, the place didn't look anything like a regular school. The buildings looked old and rundown, the woods were dark and misty with trees that were either dead or twisted in eerie ways, and the graveyard just looked totally out of place. In other words, the whole area looked like something out of a cheesy horror movie.

"Is that the Bates Motel up there?" asked Nephrite.

"No, I think it's the Addams Family mansion," replied Mistress Nine.

"Cool!" cried Beruche. "Cousin It rules!"

"Awww, gawd damn it!!" shouted Eudial. She had gotten back into the car and was trying to start the engine, without any luck.

"What's wrong?" asked JunJun. "Did you just get a text message from the Geiko gecko telling you your car insurance has been cancelled?"

"No!" shouted Eudial. "We're almost out of gas. Let's go ahead and refuel this thing. Nephrite, get the gas container out of the back."

"What gas container?" he retorted. For several seconds the only sound was that of the gently howling wind in the distance, the chirping of crickets, and the howl of a particularly lecherous werewolf.

"The gas container I specifically had put down as the Number One thing on our checklist for you to make sure we had before we left the office!" snarled Eudial.

"If you needed gas you should have stopped at that gas station we passed ten miles back," replied Beruche as she idly checked her nails. "Gas isn't THAT scarce."

"Hey! Dumbasses!" shouted Eudial. "Here's a newsflash for you: this car runs on aviation fuel, not regular gasoline!"

"What?!" retorted Mistress Nine. "Whoever heard of a car that doesn't run on regular gasoline?! Were you on crack when you designed your car?"

"Look! In order to get the kind of power output to get the kind of speed I need I had to use a really enhanced engine," explained an exasperated Eudial. "The only type that would actually fit into my car was a high-performance gas turbine and those only use aviation gas. That's the kind of engine found in Nascar racecars! You bastards were supposed to bring the extra fuel!!"

"No, we weren't," protested Beruche as she pulled out a list from Regions Undisclosed (TM) and chucked it in Eudial's face. "You never put it down on the list of things to bring, stupid." Eudial shredded the list and started walking towards the school, fuming the whole way.

She had just done what was known within the R4H gang as "popping an Usagi". And the rest of the gang was NEVER going to let her live this down.

"Okay, this place is really creeping me out," grumbled JunJun. Nearly half an hour had passed since Eudial's big wipeout, and all of them had finished grabbing the gear and hauling it up to the academy. Along the way they'd been forced to deal with a strange white-skinned girl with long, stringy black hair that fell over most of her face who crawled out of a well (Nephrite dealt with her by breaking a 2 by 4 plank of wood over her head), nearly been spotted by an odd girl with lavender hair who was skulking around on the third-floor ledge of one of the dormitory buildings (she had been crouching beneath one of the windows and peeking inside), and been forced to take a wide detour around an enormous frog that looked like it was easily almost forty feet long.

"Man, did you see the crap this school has lurking out in the woods?!" exclaimed Mistress Nine. "Evil-looking trees, moving plants, monstrous animals...!"

"Yeah, it's great isn't it!" replied Nephrite. "I feel like I'm back in the Dark Kingdom again!"

"We definitely need to light those woods on fire and clear the whole place out," said Beruche. "Just imagine the money we could be making as exterminators!"

"Cleanse! Purge! KILL!" chanted JunJun.

"We should have brought Tellu along, too," added Nephrite. "Just imagine all the new kinds of kick-ass drugs she could concoct from all of the weird stuff in the woods!"

"Forget it, Nephrite," snarled JunJun. "We all know how you get when you're trippin' balls."

"Yeah, you tried to have sex with a department store mannequin you somehow mistook for ME," added Eudial. "Ugh! That whole episode still gives me the creeps."

"Then you got mugged by the Burger King," said Beruche. "By the f#%$in' BURGER KING!! How pathetic is that?!"

"Hey!" retorted Nephrite. "That guy's got a wicked roundhouse kick and he does NOT fight fair!"

"He made you give him a horse-back ride and then he stuffed your pants full of cheeseburgers," replied Mistress Nine. "Was this before or after he groin-punched you?"

"Oh shut up!" screamed Nephrite, his voice echoing throughout the enclosed courtyard they were all currently hiding out in.

"Quiet, you dumbass!" hissed Eudial. "Do you wanna wake up everyone on campus?! There IS the matter of that sentry we saw outside that dorm building..."

"I don't think she's a sentry," stated JunJun. "That's the boys' dorm she's lurking around and she only seems to be interested in that one window."

"Oooooo!" added Beruche. "Stalker! Young girls these days are getting so aggressive!"

"Can we just get to the mission now?" asked Nephrite. "The sun's going to be coming up within the next hour!" Eudial checked her watch and frowned.

"He's right," she replied. "We don't have much time to get set up and we've gotta move fast. All right, here's the plan. Stick to it, don't deviate from it, and for Feth's sake DON'T GET CAUGHT! The Dark and Dead Revenge for Hire will disavow any knowledge of you in the event any of you get captured. Now, let us commence Operation Anonymous!"

Tsukune yawned mightily as he slumped down into his chair, nearly collapsing over the top of his desk.

"Whoa! Tsukune!" cried Moka. "Are you feeling all right?" Kumuru, Mizore, and Yukari quickly took notice and came over.

"You look horrible," said Yukari. "Was Moka snacking on you again?"

"I got woken up at 4 AM this morning," groaned Tsukune. "Sounded like something crashing or blowing up. I couldn't get back to sleep after that." Mizore nodded and smiled demurely.

"I know," she replied. "You were tossing and turning the whole time after that. Although...if you'd opened your window you would have had no trouble getting back to sleep!"

Kumuru quickly picked up the nearest available textbook and whacked Mizore in the head with it several times.

"You were stalking Tsukune again, weren't you?!" she demanded.

"Why do you care?" retorted Mizore coolly. "He told my mom that he was going to marry me, remember? Although we haven't discussed whether we're going to get married before or after he gets me pregnant..." Tsukune shivered as his nose began to bleed freely while Kurumu just fumed, her fingernails lengthening into claws.

"Cat fight!" called out Yukari. "Ready! Set...!" Yukari trailed off as she caught a glimpse of something at the door. Tsukune, Moka, Mizore, and Kumuru all looked over to see what had caused Yukari to trail off like that.

Keito was at the door, peering into the classroom and grinning.

"Hi Tsukune!" she sang out, waving.

Tsukune's jaw dropped open in abject terror as he saw her. Keito looked a little different today for some reason. Then it hit him like a kick to the crotch as he figured out why.

Keito's black coat was open, and she was showing off the tight blue top she had on underneath, a top that hugged her cleavage quite nicely as a matter of fact. Keito blew Tsukune a kiss and winked at him, knowing that she'd caught his attention before moving on.

The girls just stared at the doorway in absolute horror.

"Oh no she didn't!!!" hissed Kumuru.

"She's advancing her evil plot even faster than we anticipated!" cried Yukari. "The trap's been set and she's attempting to lure him in further!"

"That skank!" snarled Moka. "We've got to stop her!" Tsukune yelped as Mizore grabbed him from behind and spun him around in his chair to face her.

"That's it, Tsukune," she told him as she leaned in closer. "I'm placing you in the Yuki-onna Protection Program right now. From now on you will never be alone for a single moment. Not in your room, classes, lunch, shrine, the bathroom, not even when you go to bed." She leaned in even closer, until her nose was within an inch of his. "Especially when you go to bed!"

"Hell yeah!" added Yukari. "No whore will ever lay a finger on you while the Yokai Secret Service is on the job!"

"Now strip, Tsukune!" ordered Kumuru. "We need to search you for hidden tracking devices. Assume the position!" She and Moka quickly grabbed him and pulled him to his feet. Then Kurumu began to feel his butt. "Are you carrying any concealed weapons? Wha?! What is this?! WHAT IS THIS?!" Tsukune immediately started sweatdropping as Kumuru continued to grope and fondle his butt.

The girls had completely gone off the deep end and, insanely, some part of his brain was loving it.

"Good morning class," announced the teacher as she walked into the room. Kumuru and Moka both gasped in shock.

It was their classes' math teacher, the ultra-sultry lamia Kagome Ririko. And she'd gotten into trouble once already when she took an unhealthy (and ecchi) interest in Tsukune's education.

"DOMINATRIX!!" screamed Moka, pointing at her.

"DOWN!!" shouted Kumuru, Yukari, and Mizore as they all grabbed Tsukune, flung him to the floor, and dove on top of him, pinning him to the ground as they prepared to shield him from any potential threat.

Miss Ririko just blinked at them all in amazement.

"What unholy chemicals are you girls rotting your brains out with this time?"

Twenty minutes later, Keito entered the bathroom and quickly walked into one of the stalls, closing the door behind her and sitting down on the toilet with a snicker.

She'd lingered in the hall outside Tsukune's classroom for a little while after she'd poked her head in. Just as she'd hoped, Tsukune's "harem" had freaked out, creating such a ruckus that she'd spent the next ten minutes laughing non-stop.

"Heh, those dumb sluts," she giggled. "It's so much fun jerking their chains around like that. Still, Tsukune's hot. I can't wait to rope him in and bang him before the others do. That'll piss those stupid broads off more than anything." She stopped as she heard someone else come into the bathroom and enter the stall right next to hers. Keito was about to unfasten her belt when she got the strange sensation of being watched.

Turning around, she saw a strange man wearing a grey uniform and a Guy Fawkes mask (from "V for Vendetta") hovering in mid-air behind her. Before she could do anything else, Nephrite bitch-slapped her and put her in a headlock, bringing his arm around the front of her throat and holding tight. Keito gave off a massive, tortured squawk as she tried to block him but failed, her eyes bulging as Nephrite pulled hard.

"Your ass belongs to the Dark and Dead Revenge for Hire now, bitch!" he snarled.

Entering the other bathroom stall, Kumuru locked the door behind her and sat down. She didn't really need to use the bathroom, but it was a good excuse she could use to get out of class for about five to ten minutes.

After all, even the briefest conversation or encounter with Tsukune was enough to make her heart race. She saw him every day, dreamt of him nightly (unusually in the most hentai and erotic ways possible), and frequently her feelings built up to the point where it felt like her head was going to explode. Until the day came when she and Tsukune would finally be together romantically (or she just lost all self-control, tied him up, and made out with him until his liver exploded) her periodic "bathroom trips" were going to have to suffice.

Then she heard someone in the next stall. Glancing down, she could just see the shoes of the girl in the other toilet.

_Crap,_ thought Kumuru. _That's spider-slut in there! I can't do anything with her in the bathroom, too! _ All of a sudden there came a muffled thump, and Keito's strained, desperate groans filled the room. Kumuru blinked in astonishment as Keito began thumping her feet on the floor repeatedly. It was as if she was...

Kumuru immediately clapped her hands over her mouth to stifle the hysterical laughter. Keito was alone in the bathroom stall, straining and groaning, and Tsukune most certainly wasn't in the stall with her. That could mean one thing and one thing only.

"Uhhhh, hey" she called out, knocking gently on the wall. "Are you like having some…difficulties in there?"

A horrific gurgling screech came from Keito's mouth as she struggled with Nephrite with all of her might. Still, he held onto her with astonishing strength, maintaining the firm headlock he had on her. She started flailing around with her free hand to find some kind of weapon to use (and the toilet paper certainly wasn't going to work here). Her face began to turn bright red as she continued to struggle with Nephrite and his choke-hold.

All Kumuru could hear was more strained, strangled groaning and Keito beating her hands against the sides of the stall as she continued to push and push. Her mouth dropped open as Keito really started to groan and sob hoarsely, like she was attempting to give birth to a fully-grown pony.

Or pass a kidney stone the size of a tennis ball.

Or she had something resembling a thirty-pound watermelon lodged in her colon.

"Hey! Hey!" she cried. "Calm down in there! You keep forcing it like that you're gonna rupture something! You don't wanna experience the dump of death! Stay with me girl! Just bite your lip, ease up on the pressure a little, and work with it. We'll get through this together!"

With a strangled bellow of rage, Keito pulled back her arm and gave Nephrite a hard backhand punch to his nose, scoring a lucky hit that nearly broke his nose on impact. Stunned, Nephrite let his grip slip. Without hesitation, Keito doubled over and broke his grip just enough to grab him around the waist. She then yanked him around and pile-drove him headfirst into the toilet, making a gigantic splash that literally splattered the sides of the stall and the ceiling overhead with water.

Kumuru nearly jumped as she heard Keito's tortured bellow of triumph, immediately followed by a huge splash. Water began to spread out across the floor.

"Gaaaaaahh!!" she cried, cringing as she tried to comprehend just how large an object would have had to be in order to displace that much water...or make a girl groan like Keito just did. "What the hell??!!"

"WHO…DO…YOU…WORK…FOR…YOU…PIECE…OF…CRAP?!!" screamed Keito breathlessly. "WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!"

"Kami-sama!" cried Kumuru. "Hey! Isn't screaming at your own feces a little over the top?!"

Nephrite struggled wildly as Keito kept his head firmly underwater. Coughing, sputtering, splashing, and flailing wildly, he tried to free himself but was fighting a losing battle. Keito had the upper hand, and she cackled insanely as she refused to let go.

Kumuru cringed a little as she heard Keito's mad laughter and some really loud nasty splashing and gurgling, as if copious amounts of something was being propelled into the toilet with immense force, and she REALLY didn't want to dwell too long on just what that "something" might have been. Screaming a little, Kumuru immediately pulled her legs up against her chest as the water continued to spread. She had absolutely NO intention of allowing her shoes to make contact with whatever that spider-lady was doing to make it overflow like that.

"Oh! Ooooooooooooooohhhh my god!! That's just nasty!! How about a courtesy flush, huh?!"

"Yeah! Take that! Ha-haaaaa!" shouted Keito as she stomped her foot down on the toilet pedal. Nephrite finally managed to break free, pulling himself upright to take a gigantic breath of air. He was then spun around and looked up just in time to see Keito's fist a few inches away just before it made full contact with his forehead. Nephrite barely made a sound as Keito knocked him the hell out and he slid down onto the toilet, the stink bombs he'd been carrying in his back pocket cracking open on impact with the seat.

Kumuru stared at the wall in horror as Keito made one final long loud scream of exertion, followed by an equally long sigh of relief as the toilet kept on flushing. The roll of toilet paper fell to the floor and began to bounce across the ground.

Then she very nearly projectile vomited as she took a whiff of the smell that was steadily filling the room.

"What in the name of Buddha's sacred bunghole did you eat??! Nuclear waste??!!" she screamed as she clamped both of her hands over her mouth and nose. "Uuuggghhhh, that smells like you just slaughtered a cow in there!!! My eyes are bleeding!!!"

"Shut up!!" cried Keito as she leaned against the inside of her stall's door, staring at the now-comatose Nephrite. "Get in here and help me!"

"No way! I wouldn't wipe your stinky butt for all the rice in China!" Without hesitation, Kumuru burst out of the stall she was in and dashed out of the bathroom as quickly as she could, followed by Keito as she staggered out, still trying to catch her breath.

"Hey!" she screamed as she chased after Kumuru. "Get back here! You can't ignore the Protection Committee like that!"

A panel in the ceiling of the bathroom slid open and JunJun dropped to the floor. A small locked metal door in the corner (which no one really knew where it went or why it was there in the first place) creaked open, allowing Eudial to finally exit the cramped, stifling, stuffy room that had at one time been an attached shower long ago before someone closed it off for whatever reason.

For some strange reason, Eudial and JunJun were also wearing Guy Fawkes masks.

"And cut," murmured Eudial into her throat mike. "Did you get all of that Beruche?"

"_Got it all,"_ replied Beruche over the radio. _"That was messed up!"_

"Man, Nephrite's totally out of it!" stated JunJun as she poked him with a plunger. "That girl totally kicked his ass!"

"All right!" said Eudial. "Exactly as planned! Commence phase two!"

"_Got it," _replied Mistress Nine over the radio. _"This is going to kick SO much ass!"_

Tsukune, Moka, Mizore, Yukari, and everyone else in the classroom stared in silence as the door slammed open and Kumuru rushed back inside. Tsukune stared at her in shock as he immediately noticed that her complexion was a distinct shade of green and she looked as if she'd experienced something truly disgusting. Her eyes were streaming and she was wheezing as if she was having an asthma attack. She immediately rushed over to one of the windows, slammed it open, and leaned outside, taking a very deep and loud breath of air.

"Don't go into the girl's bathroom!" she yelled over her shoulder. "And whatever you do don't light a match in there if you value your lives! Oh GOD I can still TASTE the stench!!!"

Kumuru leaned back into the classroom long enough to snatch Mizore's trademark sucker out of her mouth and put it in her own to try and cover up the awful taste welling up at the back of her throat.

"Uhhhhh," began Mizore. "Help yourself..."

"You'd be acting like this if you'd just went through what I did!" retorted Kumuru. "I'm not kidding!"

"What happened?!" asked Moka.

"Keito!" gasped Kurumu. "She detonated a dirty bomb in the bathroom! The paint on the walls is probably peeling by now...!"

A moment later the door slammed open again and Keito staggered into the room. Her face was still flushed, her clothes were rumpled and disheveled, her hair was a mess, and she was still gasping and panting.

"All right!" she demanded. "Which one of you idiots was responsible for attacking me?!!

A moment later Yukari started cracking up, bursting out into huge, braying laughter that made her eyes water and her sides hurt. She fell out of her chair and just lay in the aisle, screaming with laughter. Mizore burst out laughing next, quickly followed by everyone else in the room. Miss Ririko slid to the floor, laughing madly as she completely lost her composure. Moka hid her face behind her textbook, but it was clear by the hitching of her shoulders that she was laughing too.

All throughout Yokai Academy came the sounds of hysterical, uncontrollable laughter as the entire school population, from the teachers all the way down to the first-year students proceeded to die laughing.

Then the school's announcement system came on again.

At first all Keito could hear being transmitted all throughout the school was the sounds of tortured, violent groaning and struggling, then she blanched as she realized it was her making the groaning.

"_Uhhhh, hey,"_ stated Kumuru's recorded voice. _"Are you like having some…difficulties in there?"_ A look of sheer horror came over Keito's face as she slowly began to realize that everything that had happened in the bathroom had not only been planned, but broadcast all over the school. _"Hey! Hey! Calm down in there! You keep forcing it like that you're gonna rupture something! You don't wanna experience the dump of death! Stay with me, girl! Just bite your lip, ease up on the pressure a little, and work with it. We'll get through this together!"_

"Wait!" cried Keito. "It's not what you think! Someone attacked me in the bathroom!" She pointed at Kumuru. "She can tell you that! Come on, tell them!"

"Huh?" asked Kumuru, tilting her head slightly as she looked at Keito.

"Tell them what you really saw!!!" demanded Keito. "As a member of the Protection Committee I ORDER you to tell them!"

"Uh, you were in the stall the whole time and I didn't see anyone else in there," replied Kumuru calmly. "And frankly I don't make a habit of peeking in on other girls while they're having a gargantuan bowel movement."

"_Gaaaaaahh!! What the hell...??!"_

"_WHO…DO…YOU…WORK…FOR…YOU…PIECE…OF…CRAP?!!"_ Keito heard herself bellowing over the PA system. _"WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?!"_

"_Kami-sama! Hey! Isn't screaming at your own feces a little over the top?!"_

Kumuru couldn't help herself any longer. The sucker she snatched from Mizore shot across the room as she started to laugh insanely, doubling over as she grabbed her stomach and collapsed to her knees.

"Don't laugh at me like that!!!" shrieked Keito. "I swear you're all dead for this insult!!"

"Excuse me!" retorted Miss Ririko as she tried to compose herself a little bit. "I don't care if you're a member of the Protection Committee but you cannot threaten my students like that. Especially when they've done nothing wrong!"

"Nothing wrong?!" howled Keito. "Someone attacked me in the bathroom!" Just then, over the PA system came the sound of some truly loud, gruesome and nasty splattering and spraying sounds.

"_Oh! Ooooooooooooooohhhh my god!! That's just nasty!! How about a courtesy flush, huh?!"_ Miss Ririko instantly cracked up and collapsed to the floor, joining the rest of the class as they all broke out into a new round of helpless, uncontrollable laughter. A burst of static briefly transmitted through the PA system as someone else came on.

"_This is the Headmaster,"_ stated a rough, gravelly voice. _"I...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...!!"_ Whatever the Headmaster was going to say was instantly forgotten as he collapsed into hysterical laughter. Somewhere in the background Tsukune and the girls could just make out Ruby laughing, too.

Unable to take it any more, Keito backed out of the classroom and ran away screaming. Her room (when she finally got to it) was even less safe. It had been almost completely filled with cans of Raid bug spray and every drawer, closet, and cabinet had been rigged with exploding dye packs.

Spray painted on the ceiling had been a simple message – "The Dark and Dead Revenge for Hire was here!"

"Great job Nephrite," said JunJun as she and the rest of the R4H gang stood around in a quiet, dark room. Curtains had been drawn over all of the windows and the whole place had an eerie feeling to it, like a crypt or a mausoleum. "You nearly botched that one."

"I couldn't help it!" he retorted. "She's way stronger than she looks!"

"Well duh!" cried Eudial. "That was the whole plan!" For a minute Nephrite was completely silent as his brain processed what he'd just heard.

"What?!" he screamed. Beruche and Mistress Nine burst out laughing.

"Yup!" stated Mistress Nine. "You were the bait, Neffy! While she was busy kicking your ass that gave us time to get all of the juicy audio down!"

"And we had time to raid her room, too," added Beruche. "Both figuratively and literally!"

"We've done our part," stated Eudial as she took a few steps towards the large desk in the middle of the room. "You asked for a rush job and I think we've come through on it."

The chair behind the desk slowly spun around, revealing a strange, sinister man wearing hooded white robes that completely covered his body with the exception of his face. He grinned wickedly, and his eyes glowed with a dim yellow light that instantly made them all think of Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars.

"Excellent!" cackled the Headmaster of Yokai Academy. "You have done well, my young apprentice! Everything has proceeded as I have foreseen...!"

End of Part Two


End file.
